An Update

As I am sitting down to write this, I am asking the Holy Spirit to guide my words and give me strength to type them.  

We must update you on our journey, and ask for your prayers.  Two days ago we went with our birthmother to a scheduled doctor's appointment.  Her blood pressure was sky high so they sent her straight over to the hospital to induce.  Everything was going really well; the entire day was completely normal.  Once we were settled in at the hospital, our birthmother decided she could not go through with the adoption.  I wish I could give you every detail of our day so that you could understand how completely surprised we and our agency were, but those details are irrelevant.  And I want to respect this woman and not include unnecessary details.  

Needless to say, we are left heartbroken, confused, sad and clinging to the Lord.  We don't understand this part of our story and may never understand it but are left to trust in God's sovereign hand over our lives.  The range of emotions we have felt in the last 48 hours are enough to make one feel exhausted.  We went with a house ready and bags packed only to come home without a precious baby in our arms. This loss is great and deep and very real.  

I explain our emotions only to show our need for your prayers.  I must go back and quote something I wrote just a little over a week ago: 

"...as this circumstance came into play we both knew that it was news to be celebrated.  And we also knew that were a disrupt to occur again, this would be something that we would need to walk through in the context of community."

We need you.  We need your encouragement.  We need your prayers.  This baby boy needs your prayers.  This birthmother needs your prayers.  Please be praying for us and this entire situation.  

I must also reference one other thing I wrote in that post last week:  

"So - no matter what comes our way in the next few weeks, I am trusting in the Lord.  He is before me, and I will dwell in His presence.  His faithfulness will be our shield and he will satisfy us no matter our circumstance."

I am praising the Lord for preparing our hearts as we headed into the final days before this baby's birth.  Even in the midst of our hurt and confusion, the promises of His word are becoming a beautiful reality.  Things like a peace that passes understanding, God's nearness to the brokenhearted, and the fact that our God is the Good Shepherd who cares deeply for His own.  He will sustain us.  He will carry us.  And I must keep my eyes on Jesus.  

Thank you for your support of our entire journey.  This is a part of our story that we may never understand, but Clay and I still beg for God's glory to be on display even in the midst of such great loss.    We love you all.  

2013 Scripture Calendar Giveaway

We are going to have a fun giveaway today because we love you guys and are so thankful for all of you who have supported our adoption journey.  {And because it's almost Christmas and I'm in the spirit already!}

The winner will receive this 2013 Scripture Calendar from Fresh Entity.  They are 5x7 in size, professionally printed on watercolor paper, and come gifted in a cloth bag.  

I love love love mine, and can't wait to get the new one each year.  You can frame them or hang them ... but the best thing is you have Scripture encouraging you each day!  

Please check out the Fresh Entity shop {http://freshentityshop.com/} for other amazing products like prints and gift tags. The owner of the shop is Kimmie, a fellow adoptive mother and dear friend of mine. 

To enter, please leave a comment below with your first name and email address.  

The giveaway will close at 12 p.m. on Friday, November 15.  The winner will be notified by email.  

Thank y'all for your support of us during this journey!  We are so thankful for each of you!  

ALSO -- get ready for something super fun that our adoption agency is doing for us for the rest of the month ... more details will come soon but it's going to be fun! :)  

Nearing the End

It's a little after midnight, and I just sat down at my computer after spending the evening cleaning out my pantry.  I threw out expired items, wiped down and cleaned every shelf, and rearranged everything. It's safe to say that I am nesting.  With all that is about to happen in our lives, I'm sure I could be doing something more profitable than cleaning out my pantry ... but, no actually -  that had to be done too! ;)

I've spent the last week or so "getting ready" (as much as possible) for Carter's arrival.  Clay was lucky enough to be out of town last week, but this week his honey-do list is a mile long.  It still seems like we have so much more to do, but much preparation has been made for this little one to come into our lives.  

Yet even as I work to get everything done before the baby, a small part of me is wondering if I am just keeping myself busy so that I can't worry about the unknown.  Carter's due date is a little over 2 weeks away, and that means that we are 2 weeks away from seeing how this all plays out.  After our disrupt in June, I thought I would not share with the world when we were matched with a birth mom again until after the baby's arrival.  But as this circumstance came into play we both knew that it was news to be celebrated.  And we also knew that were a disrupt to occur again, this would be something that we would need to walk through in the context of community.  

[This community -- you guys -- have been the greatest, most humbling source of encouragement to us.  From the garage sale to the chili supper to the phone calls to the gifts and the showers ... Clay and I have been overwhelmed to say the least.  Adoption truly is a community effort - and all of you have helped to solidify that in my mind.  I know that God has just been rejoicing in your obedience to Him, and I am so thankful that this adoption world has come into my life. "Thank you" seems trite and understated, but I don't know how else to phrase how we feel.  We love you all.]

The reality of our situation is that we do not know what will happen when this baby is born.  Lord willing, this child is our son.  He will come into our home and be a part of our family forever.  However, the law has not changed since June and our state gives the birthmother a waiting period in which she can change her mind on her decision to place this child for adoption.  I have known this since day one.  

As we've neared this day, I am not facing it with as much dread and fear as I once thought I would.  Or maybe the fear is not what I thought it would be.  My heart has changed so much since getting to know this dear woman who is carrying our child.  I genuinely love her, and not just because of what she is giving us.  The fear in my mind is that this situation would not turn out as beautiful as it seems to have become.  God has been in every detail, of that we are sure.  It's undeniable.  And so as we walk into our final days of trusting Him in this circumstance, I must walk in faith.   

The truth is that regardless of what happens, this situation is still going to be beautiful.  My heart has changed because of knowing her, and I have learned new aspects of the Lord and how He loves me.  I pray that she has been able to see Christ's love through Clay and I as we have gotten to know her.  One huge lesson I've learned in every single step of this process is that I am not in control.  However, God is still trustworthy;  His plan is still in place no matter what happens.  

This morning I sent these verses to a friend who is walking a road that is hard to understand.  God used them to encourage me with where I am today.  Adoption has brought me to a place where I am learning to dwell in the presence of the Lord again.  I love that this psalm promises that those who dwell with the Lord will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  That means that God must be in front of me if I am abiding in His shadow.  What a promise!  

So - no matter what comes our way in the next few weeks, I am trusting in the Lord.  He is before me, and I will dwell in His presence.  His faithfulness will be our shield and he will satisfy us no matter our circumstance.  

Please be praying for us and for our birth mom as we walk into the next few weeks.  Pray that we might have gospel conversations with her, and for a healthy baby boy.  Pray for our birth mom as she nears the toughest part of this journey.  My heart has taken on new levels of emotion concerning what she is about to walk through.  And finally, ask for God's glory to be on display.  

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Psalm 91:1-2